So I’ve been struggling with anxiety and depression for a long time and I always could handle it on my own pretty well. About a year ago, though it seemed to get worse and worse so I decided to finally tell my parents. Then the “excitement” began. *sigh* They made me go to therapy, which I shied away from very quickly as I didn’t feel like I could comfortably tell her anything.
*side rant* The thing that really bugs the shit outta me is when the therapists begin with “I can tell anyone about this if I think you are going to hurt yourself and/or others.” Ok. I understand this — but at the same time, it means that I feel like I have to be pretty careful with what I say. I don’t know about other people, but I have always had suicide in the back of my mind. However, I’m also a pretty logical person, so I’ve managed to just shrug it off and stay on course for the most part. At the same time, I would like to talk to someone about it as these feelings have been getting worse over the years. But after the therapist said that…it was like, could she send me to the loony bin?? (haha) I don’t want to tell her this and then be sent to like a hospital or put on suicide watch or something. Like I’m just not sure how much I can say without a therapist freaking out. It really bothers me because depression isn’t pretty and if I can’t tell my therapist about all of the ugly parts without being afraid of the consequences, how are they supposed to fully help me?
Anyways, so that’s sort of what I’ve been really frustrated with and despite having therapy, I feel extremely alone with this problem. And then…it got worse.
I started with pills a few months ago — started with Paxil at first, but I didn’t feel anything happen and the intense effects of the drug kinda scared me (I read online that it could cause birth defects in a fetus??)… plus it’s a pain in the ass to stop taking due to withdrawal. So…I don’t know I kinda figured I wasn’t very comfortable STARTING OUT with a small, pink pill that could literally disfigure a tiny human.
So then, I tried Prozac due to family history of it working pretty well. It was great for a while; my summer was awesome and I finally felt really happy for the first time in my life. I still had some bad days, but overall.. it was good. (Now that I look back on it, I sorta suspect my life was just at a good point due to less workload in school and the summer weather and that’s why I was so happy…it probably wasn’t necessarily the pills…but maybe.)
The only thing that bothered me was one fucking side effect: lack of sex drive. I have a boyfriend (I’m not lying! ha) and after a month or so of this medicine, it started to bother me that my body felt like I literally had never gone through puberty. Feeling annoyed, I finally mustered up the courage to awkwardly tell my especially awkward therapist (who I’m not comfortable with..but I’m too lazy to look for another). In the end, she prescribed Welbutrin to help this side effect along with the Prozac and I’ve been taking that for a couple of weeks now. *drumroll* I HAVE FUNCTIONING SEX ORGANS AGAIN!!
But. Over the past month or so, (I’m not sure if it started before or after I started taking the Welbutrin??) I have felt so horribly depressed. More depressed than I have ever been in the 8 years I’ve been struggling with this. And I have no timeline for it because it creeped up on me and all of a sudden everyday I noticed more and more that I was becoming suicidal and depressed over nothing. SEVERELY depressed.
After many breakdowns in front of my poor, concerned boyfriend, I decided enough is enough and this depression/suicidal shit is not my usual (even depressed) self. I have always just been melancholy in general, but NEVER like this. This is ridiculous. So I’ve decided to go back to the beginning and start over.
Hopefully, I can just ease off the pills completely and have a clean slate. I don’t even know what the pills are causing or what is actually from my mind. It drives me crazy…nothing seems sincere anymore; it all just feels artificially induced.
I’m done with pills. As I have done before, I’m going to try to deal with this on my own for a while without this shit. It’s not working and I’m afraid I might actually try something if these suicidal thoughts get worse. (especially because I read that Prozac can increase suicidal thoughts?? IT’S AN ANTIDEPRESSANT.. WUT THE FUCK!) I’m fed up with it. I would rather deal with my own, pure self than try to figure out extra pills and what they are doing to me, especially when I think they are actually causing these intense suicidal thoughts.
Sorry this rant was so fucking long. If you actually read all of this…thanks haha. Just needed to vent my frustrations a little bit.
See ya later!